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| Tweet Topic Started: Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 00:19 (1,442 Views) | |
| Cow! | Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 00:19 Post #1 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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Good moorning, teapots! As I think everybody knows by now, this November was National Novel Writing Month! So exciting! I managed to exceed the goal of 50000 words in 30 days without killing myself! Even more exciting!! And, most exciting of all, now that November's over I'm sharing my brilliant story with you guys!!11!!!`!one! C&c is always welcome. Feel free to point out any glaring flaws and/or gaping plot holes you find- I think I've gotten rid of most of them, but you never know. DISCLAIMERS! Old people will prolly find elements of this that are like Parallel Worlds. Although they take place in the same universe, this is NOT Parallel Worlds. Just throwing that out there. I am finished with this story arc and I am not currently planning on a sequel. If you pester me, I will eat you. Due to time constraints and the Rule of Rewrite, it's prolly pretty suck; I beg your pardon for this. If you would like a formal letter of apology, I would be happy to provide one. In regard to mature content: If this were a movie, it would be pg-13. My characters do swear occasionally, and there are some themes that may not be appropriate for the younger set. Please use your own discretion. Important: Tis copyright Moo May, November 2010. Do not steal it. Do not copy it, paste it, or save it onto your computer in a folder marked "MAI STORIEZ". Do not send it out to all your friends. Do not feed it to your blame baby. Paper gives them indigestion. To prevent newbeas from having to scroll through the comments, it will be posted in daily (?) updates to my Google Docs, HERE. kthxbai.
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| dill101 | Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 02:01 Post #2 |
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Plot Lady!
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It's kind of... uh... weird. Uh so the guys at a bar, flirting with the bartender. He leaves, probably drunk. He's driving home, dodges a cat, and decides not to dodge the car. I don't really get what the spinach green, or how it happened, but I understand the blood. It's later revealed that the person riding with him, whom we also do not know, died? And he just runs. Uhh... Weird stuff Cow!. Weird stuff indeed. ![]() But no matter how weird it is, I like it so far.
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| Warrior Poet | Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 03:28 Post #3 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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That's what I get for reading the comments thread. lol. I probably will download it, but just to read it on my laptop. I promise I won't post it anywhere :p Congrats on the 50,000 words! And not killing yourself. If you killed yourself, it would ruin my whole week. :hug: Hey, I did a same-universe story too. No worries! Ouch, that's what I get for reading the comment. I don't think I missed much. Dill, you are insane. But that's why we love you. You saved it in DOCX! Shun! Jk. That is the third best first line I've ever read. First best was in The Knife Of Never Letting Go. But this was close. I am already in love with this, and I've only read one sentence. Actually, the entire first chapter was perfect. That was what I meant by trying a new style - well, it wasn't poetry, but you got the bitter sarcasm down so well! I'm used to being depressed by your work, so I forgot how hilarious you can be. Also you managed to pull me into the first chapter quick with "The Lord is my shepherd." Only one problem - why is he named Vladimir? That name's really overused and I generally hate it, a lot, but somehow it seems perfect for this guy. Thought it was a church service at first, but I like how you hint and then quite suddenly reveal it's a funeral. I can tell you spent time on this first chapter. Wish I had time like that. I barely finished. I disagree with the assertion that the words have no meaning - but they certainly have no meaning to the protagonist, and that's what's important in the story. I do know that the protagonist rarely equals the author. Word hyper jumped out at me. Seems strange, don't know why. You never stated your protagonist's gender, but I could immediately tell the writing style was feminine. I knew it was a different character, instantly. That was so good. I have an issue with Alice sounding bitter like Jay and Charlie sounding sarcastic like Alice...You sure don't. So your first chapter ended with an accident as well. Dill's was a bus exploding... does this have a name? if it doesn't that's fine lol.
You described the blood and the fear without overdoing the detail like I do sometimes (Oh, how I love overdoing it). Hurting to move the mouth, saying so much fear twice. So great job there too. I can tell this has been gone over, because the first chapter is perfect. Except for "hyper." Characterization is instant, and I already care about Vlad and the unnamed first-person (girl?) protagonist. Super good. Hopefully the rest is just as shiny! Also, good choice of font. I know that sounds stupid, but if you get the correct font for the story it really enhances the reading. The wrong font can make you shake your head, and the best fonts are transparent. They just represent the story. Imagine reading Lord of the Rings in monospace. That would suck, right? You used block, which is really unnecessary in Word files, but I liked that too. The thought separation seemed more complete. You have had basically no dialogue, except for whoever was reciting the psalm during the funeral. But that's okay. The first chapter didn't need it. I hope everything in the coming chapters are as true as they are in this one. If that's the case, you've got a winner on your hands. I like to release every three days. It gives all you wonderful BWers a chance to read and think about it if you care to, and me a chance to write more. The initial bartender/Vlad exchange reminded me of Tifa Lockhart and Cloud Strife somehow. Tifa isn't really flirty and Cloud isn't really drunk, but she is a bartender and he is a lost soul. Moar please! Edited by Warrior Poet, Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 03:29.
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| Sfabulous | Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 05:26 Post #4 |
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Sleepy Kat
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Looks like it'll be a while before you get to the part I stopped at. Izzalright I'll read the whole story from the start again ![]() blah blah I think this is awesome and you're an awesome writer. Though I still don't really get the bit with Vlad. Hm. |
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| Cow! | Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 05:51 Post #5 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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Loldilly. They're separate people. Vladdy's dead also, you'll never hear from him again. Also, you've gotten most of the important parts, sooo. @WP There will be more on the morrow, hm ![]() Edit: agh. Sniped. I took way too long posting this. @sf: that would be about 20 chapters from now. .-. just pretend. Also, again, vladdy's not particularly important, it was just a way to start. and fun. and starty. |
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| Harket | Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 07:06 Post #6 |
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asian
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I look forward to reading all 50,000 words of this and thank you that you post it in chapters or my head would explode. "BOOM!" There. But then it only exploded because of the awesomeness of what i have read so far. ![]() Why is everybody dying? The depressedness that is with me. I just read a Poe story, too, so all the DEATH AND DARKNESS MUAHAHAHA is still with me. Sigh. Why does everyone die? Death is not good. Although i consider it on regular basises, DEATH IS NOT GOOD. 'cept when you described it as lurvely as you did. So, you turned death into a beautiful depressing picture. Hmm. Im not sure if that is good, or bad, that you have the power to make death beautiful I liked the 1st chapter, cause i didnt really get it but it was still really awesome. I feel sad for his friend, which meant you created the mood to make me feel sad, which is good. Spoiler: click to toggle I enjoyed the whole thing very much. Thanks for making it so awesomeshizz. I look forward to reading more and being in a more enthusiastic mood the next time i give you critique. Spoiler: click to toggle -Am waiting for more- |
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| Yuki Kashiwagi | Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 09:51 Post #7 |
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AKB48
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Not really a dare I was just suggesting how ideas should start! you noob don't quote the whole thing >.< -m/m Edited by Cow!, Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 13:29.
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寝ても覚めてもゆきりんワールド、夢中にさせちゃうぞ♪ ゆきりんこと柏木由紀です。よろしくお願いします。 | |
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| Harket | Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 14:45 Post #8 |
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asian
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Cow - i loled at your edit of that It just made my I enjoyed reading it, and it kind of drew you in, specially the second bit. But they BOTH draw you in, i guess. By using different styles and writing methods. Great job there ![]() Is the non-dead guy in the second bit gonna be a main character? |
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| Cow! | Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 18:59 Post #9 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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The main narrator in the second bit is the protagonist, mm. Kay, so the next few chapters are really boring and lame, but there are important bits, so. I'll be updating two a day until all the retarded stuff is out of the way. Here's the link again. Edited by Cow!, Wednesday, 1. December 2010, 19:00.
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| dill101 | Thursday, 2. December 2010, 02:59 Post #10 |
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Plot Lady!
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URGH Sorry, I can't read them right now. Maybe tomorrow after school, ok?
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| Harket | Thursday, 2. December 2010, 05:00 Post #11 |
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Wow. That. Was. Awesome! I really liked how you described just about everything from trees to the rain to well, everything! It really made the story come more alive for me, and enable me to SEE what was happening. Yep, that important 5 senses thing. I think you touched on everyone of them, yea? Awesome job there! I really loved how Ever is like, REALISM! It makes the story more interesting because, well, it makes you wonder if later her view on the realistic/non realistic is going to be challenged. I didnt really understand her, though. The way she was happy that she was lost, or that she was getting wet, then she wasnt happy she was getting wet, then she was happy she was running, then she thought about how unfit and wet she was... i was like - um. Mixed feelings or am i just reading everything wrongly? But it was beautiful. Also, i didnt really get the ending. Her bestie just DIED, she was lost, is wet, and she magically finds her street(more on that later) which is unbelievably queer, and today is turning out to be a good day? Well. But izzok you are excused from ununderstandableness because the descriptions and writing style is awesome and makes me want to read more ![]() Also, mynamewasinyourstoryiloveyou~ Though i never knew it was common. I dont know a single other person with my name Sadness. ![]() I also loved the bits where, although Ever doesnt believe in fairytales and happy endings, she keeps linking alot of her thoughts and phrases back to them. I especially loved the sunset white horse bit. Great work Moomay~~~ Imma gonna enjoy this piece of NaNo fo sho! ![]() One more thing - Imma staying! ![]()
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| Warrior Poet | Thursday, 2. December 2010, 22:13 Post #12 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Sorry my reply's a little late. My laptop won't start up and my PS3 doesn't play nice with DOCX. [nerd]Why not save in ODT? You can still use word, it has all the same features, and it won't be incompatible with word 15 or whatever...[/nerd] So chapter 2. Nothing happened at all. I liked the gulls bit, though. Basically we know that Ever and Stef were best friends before Stef died, for still-unknown reasons. You did a pretty nice job describing the park, though I have no idea whether it's central park or some other park or even a park on Earth. But I'm pretty sure it's Earth. After all, there was that bartender scene. And a Popsicle. The other thing was that Ever's parents are worried (about her?) I'm wondering why. She could have a disease or disorder or she could be depressed or mentally insane...Maximus says she could be stupid, but I doubt that. Stupid people are very rare. Earlier in the scene you said "most of my time is spent at the park." Then you referred to Ever in third person. Does this mean the narrator in this chapter is yet another character who writes in first person, or is Ever talking about herself? I really have no idea. Nice description. Whoever this narrator was, the voice was different than the bitter sarcasm Ever used earlier. She sounded a lot like you in your poems. Okay. Number three. Cerulean. I don't know what that means and I'm not looking it up. I assume it's a shade of blue. Are you kidding? Metaphors are the only things she's said so far! See the fairy tale/life comparison four paragraphs later This narrator's a strange girl. But what would I expect from a fairy tale fanatic's girl...Pretty good description of a nice neighborhood. I've been describing dirt and rust in A Forlorn Throne, so that was nice. These last two chapters weren't nearly as polished as the first ones, but I respect them totally. Ever is talking a walk and thinking about how she feels. A Forlorn Throne is not even close to done and I already have too many scenes were Alice is walking and thinking about stuff. Usually I have her talk with some other characters and possibly get thrown across the street, but there are a lot of ones where she just walks. Something actually did happen in the third one: She left home and ended up at home without changing direction. Right? Or did I totally miss that? Anyway, it's slow, but I'm used to slow. I write slow. I hope we can get back to bitter sarcasm soon, and watch the plot take off. |
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| Cow! | Thursday, 2. December 2010, 23:11 Post #13 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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LIES! Stupid people are like vagrants and starving cats. They're EVERYWHERE. @wp @sweetie I'm really lazy and still doing editing on 4/5. However, they will be up later, promise
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| Warrior Poet | Friday, 3. December 2010, 00:19 Post #14 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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At least you're not suck. My laptop's broken and it's giving me a hard time, so I have nothing to work on right now and I sure don't feel like doing anything new! |
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| Cow! | Friday, 3. December 2010, 05:17 Post #15 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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Chapters four and five are up, lambkins! And I did a little bit of editing in three, so now she sounds a bit less psychotic.
Edited by Cow!, Friday, 3. December 2010, 05:17.
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| Harket | Friday, 3. December 2010, 06:44 Post #16 |
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asian
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COW IM GOING TO DIE WHEN I COME BACK FROM KOREA WITH A WHOLE LOAD OF STUFF TO READ AHH AHH AHH AHHHHHHHHH. D: Yea. Thanks for making it easier to comprehend for me, kay? Yay! =D /no time to read will die when come back from korea due to flood of stuff i will want to read that belong to this story and all the other nanos and i will shut up now. Laters~
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| Warrior Poet | Friday, 3. December 2010, 18:46 Post #17 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Gosh, I just typed a whole review and it disappeared. I'll do another one later
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| Cow! | Saturday, 4. December 2010, 05:43 Post #18 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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Izzalright I forgive you. Six and seven are up, and now we get to the less-lame part.
Edited by Cow!, Saturday, 4. December 2010, 05:44.
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| Warrior Poet | Saturday, 4. December 2010, 22:57 Post #19 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Cocoa puffs! Both delicious and disgusting. Aww. Vacation. That's really brutal. And however old Ever is, she's definitely mature (if not sane) enough to take this. And there's a character named Aunt Caroline. I already know she's going to be a nut, possibly even a fairy nut, because that's how it always goes. Prove me wrong ![]() Hm. She really doesn't have any friends, does she? And that beanie baby. Good job with that. I still have some stupid toys that I'd never want to get rid of. Her stuff doesn't seem to matter to her, just the stuff she attached herself to either by making it or sharing experience. I'm actually pretty similar. I kind of respect how she hides the personal stuff, just to play along with the mom's stupid game. This really does give us a good insight into who she is. Something important. She forgot something. Maybe not stuff, but she forgot something. No? Just no? Wow. Up until now, I was doing the suspension of disbelief thing, but I really don't believe this. What kind of mother doesn't love her daughter? Unless she's adopted...well, mom should still love her. It's really tragic that she doesn't, but there was no reason for me to guess that until now. Why would she lie to Ever about the vacation then? If you ever go over the first few a third time, drop more hints. A lot more. So she does have "friends," but no good ones. Or at least she's not good to them. But she's been there her whole life...sad, really. I used to be like that, though. Then I grew up a little, got to know God better, and got over myself. She romanticizes about everything. Then again, so do I. I think I do too much of that with Alice, too, and less sarcasm than she should have. Important things she doesn't care about - I smell foreshadowing. unconcerndly - well, it's not nonchalantly, but is it a word? ![]() Mom says "so, like?" Young mom? Hip mom? She just lost even more believability points with me...but then, your mom is definitely different than mine. Ever's humanity is what really stands out in this story, though. Never satisfied. She wants to stay invisible, but all she craves is recognition. Is that an Iron Maiden reference? Dance of Death? Ooh, nice winding cliff. More cliff details later? Well, we have our forest! Sweet. hair=ice cream. never seen that comparison. Awesome ![]() Ah, the need to rebel. She has to dislike something. Rebels without causes...I'm reading a book about two of those. They fall in love, of course. Why wouldn't they? ![]() THE SEA! I wish I had a sea in my backyard. I'm jealous. I be she'll be drawing that a lot. Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised to see her doing fine without her mom. Happy? I actually can't picture her happy at all. But I can't wait to see how she changes - better or worse - but I get the feeling that she'll be happy, at least for a while. ![]() And yes, that was considerably less lame. |
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| Cow! | Sunday, 5. December 2010, 18:46 Post #20 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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Caroline isn't a fairy there aren't actually any fairies in this story, so.Ever's mom is probably the least developed character I've come up with. She just defies explanation. Also, she's nothing at all like my mom. Just throwing that out there. Mostly it's that Stella didn't want her in the first place, and at this point Ever is just a reminder of all the things she's screwed up over the years. I'll definitely need to work on the believability factor, heh. She knows people, but isn't really close to any of them. The spellchecker thought it was a word. Actually mom didn't say "so like", that was Ever. Just pretend.Happy... mm, perhaps. Eight is up. |
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| Warrior Poet | Sunday, 5. December 2010, 22:34 Post #21 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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@Not a fairy - that's good. I was expecting another insane aunt. But there's something strange about her, for sure. @Mom - Yeah, I'm definitely glad she's not like yours. I can't imagine how messed up I'd be with a mom like that. The spellchecker never lies. Clear it up? Okay, I'm reading eight now. You're writing in some weird combination of present and past tense, but I like it. It goes with Ever's somewhat erratic thought process. I had to look back at the "and make me put on a sweater." It's okay grammatically but it was hard on the brain. Toast for supper. Lol. I did that yesterday. Mom wouldn't let me put any meat on the sandwich because I got up at 1:30, which was too late for lunch. LOCKED DOORS!!! So Ever knows Caroline is slightly odd too. Severed head. haha. Wonder where she'd get it. Can you really stalk someone living in their house? This has to go in the Quote Collection. Or at least a Facebook status. More romanticizing. Kay. The swearing was used well there. Retarded burglar convention. What a great idea! I laughed very much. Yeah, let's fall asleep during a retard convention. She'll wake up and be missing her kidneys. Is it good that you're calling me a bacon? |
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| Cow! | Monday, 6. December 2010, 00:28 Post #22 |
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
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BACONZ ARE TEH AWESOMMORZ |
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| dill101 | Monday, 6. December 2010, 00:38 Post #23 |
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Plot Lady!
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Duuude, I really tried to read this. I got like halfway through chapter 3. It's like too advanced for me or something. I'm kinda not getting it that well. You're probably just too goo of a writer for me to comprehend your work. |
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| Mr Sneaky | Monday, 6. December 2010, 03:11 Post #24 |
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The Pretender.
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I AM GOING TO READ THIS WHEN I HAVE TIME KTHX |
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| Warrior Poet | Monday, 13. December 2010, 01:09 Post #25 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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I blame you for not actually posting when you updated. I thought you were waiting for people to reply! But now that I actually looked, I will read. Kay. That took forever just to download it. It's not a big file, but wow. Google Docs has failed me. It's that way for me too. I wonder how that cliche even got started. Congrats on actually using the accent mark. There are so many priceless quotes in this story. Really. Socks are what keeps me sane...it's pretty awesome. I can't recall her ever saying indeed. I know how authors pick up new words and start using them in their stories. I did that in PI1. And one of my favorite scifi authors had this really sarcastic character who started saying "indeed" in the second book in the series. All because the author decided he liked it. It got pretty annoying. So Ever's pretty morbid, huh. I guess I am too sometimes, but she spends a lot of time on it. I also appreciate that you mentioned her hair. So many people will go "she had blue eyes" and never mention the rest of her. I think hair's a lot more noticeable. Ever also strikes me as the type of person who could shave her head and not blink. Though I hope she doesn't. More existential stuff. Horray, horray First mention of sandwich, you use a comma instead of a period. That always throws me off. It's a pretty common mistake though. @Kitten - I agree, Caroline is awesome. And that cat looks very huggable. Why would she have cat food and no cat, though...? So she's nicer than the mom, but the aunt doesn't care whether Ever goes or stays either. She seems to be being nice and understanding, though. What a strange character. Then, I expected the aunt to be strange. I also figured she wasn't an actual aunt. That's not really a big deal, though. You dropped enough subtle hints, which is something I always forget to do. Nice job.
Laughed out loud, there. Wow, just wow. Ever's smart, and she makes a lot of connections. But the connections she makes...a lemon? That's brilliant to the extent of insanity. That means that you are too, but everyone loves it ![]() On a roof. I expected her to describe an entire new world, or something. But now I'm not even sure they went to another world. Maybe they're just on the roof. Confusing! Polyester. What a name...I wasn't aware they had that in the parallel world. I've never heard the world "brelly" before. Nice. Knocked out with a slap? Limester must be pretty strong. Cats can...yowel? I've never heard one. You can't find your place in a world that wasn't meant for you. Tiffin? Gosh. I was expecting anything but that. This story is a strange mashup of the completely cliche and the totally unexpected. I like it. Also, "tiffin" is slang for a light lunch in some British English-speaking countries. Reminds me of my cousin Tiffany... "Anything can be a color if you try hard enough." Wow. You are a mad genius. And Tiffin already knows she's insane. Haha... Funny. Girls I'm romantically interested in never allow me to pay for anything and my friends (female and otherwise) try to get me to every chance they get. She'll tell him someday? For now I thought he was the savior/stranger. I didn't think he would just walk away, and I did anticipate some flirting. But I wonder why Ever assumes they'll still know each other "someday." Caroline's insane too. Knew it. And Limester says Better Don't. It gets even more confusing. Poly is better, but I'm sticking with Limester. I'm afraid you walked right into that one. She says "Better Don't" and "bloody?" She has such a strange collection of curse words and slang. Yay exhaustion. Maximus thought you meant an actual year, by the way. There was strangely little description around. I do like how the random characters that come to kill her for a still-unknown reason come to her. You would probably like Thr3e by Ted Dekker. I could tell you why, but that would spoil the entire book. I do still want to know why she's being hunted and why Limester cares. Well, it can't be worse than Tablespoon. |
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| Cow! | Monday, 13. December 2010, 19:03 Post #26 |
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Hahaha, limester, I love it. -I decided to stop posting updates because I got lazy. There will be a new chapter every day. Coincidentally, the chapter numbers will be the same as the date, whee.-I don't know, but seems like everybody uses it. Myself included, hm. izzalright. -Whee. -I can't decide if you think the indeed is a good thing or not. -Haha, Ever doesn't really care about her appearance much. She's more of a "screw this, I'mma do whatever I want" type of person. -Whoops, comma is my bad. I guess I intended to expand and forgot? Just pretend. -Caroline has cat food because.... she's Caroline, yaaay. And yeah, she's pretty into the whole laissez-faire thing. -Anna Karenina is the shiz. Also, I've always wanted to name a cat Kitty, just for the hell of it. ![]() - ![]() -Nope, they're pretty much just on her roof. -Mm. Her full name is Polyester Sensible, because I'm really, really cool. And the woman is basically a badass. -You've never heard a cat yowling? O.o Well, it's basically a cross between a baby screaming and a dying wildebeest. Now you know. -Poor Tiffin, I'm so mean to him. But izzalright, I forgive myself. -It's true! You can do whatever you set your mind to! And if what you want to do is turn the dust bunnies under the bed into a color, well... -It's pretty obvious lol. - ![]() -Well, Ever's lonely, and she's found a friend. It's in her nature to assume she'll see him again. -They all talk like me, hah. I'll be working on that. Anyway, thankyouthankyou for doing all these wonderful reviews. +9000 |
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| Warrior Poet | Tuesday, 14. December 2010, 00:25 Post #27 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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No problem! I love reading your stories, because they're awesome, and I love reviewing them because...I dunno, cuz I'm awesome? Something like that. Plus you've been doing all these ridiculous favors for me, including reviewing the plot of Anodyne Sea in one sitting. I think I still owe you for that one. New chapter! Yay! Time to get a root beer... Ocean of white? That's a lot. You're the first person I can remember ever describing how many panes the window had. Seriously. Mm, cold. I assume metal or glass...a gun or something sharp. Or maybe just a bun. Meh, people don't turn into angels when they go into heaven. But Blue Hair prolly doesn't care. Yeah, he's definitely insane. Unless it's a thr3e deal and she's even more insane. Wow. That color thing wasn't even random. I laughed despite the story, but that's alright. Faelan? Well, that's another name I was not expecting. Of course, maybe some of the other people here have never heard "fae." But maybe they have. Either way, it's not a bad name. It would be normally, but the half-insane nature of this story means it's just fine. I'm still amazed that Fael (you really walked into that one) wants her to fall in love with him by pressing a gun to her. That's just plain illogical. But I don't think he cares about either. Not a good move on Ever's part, threatening Fael and then collapsing. But oh well. Can't wait for tomorrow. |
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| Harket | Tuesday, 14. December 2010, 03:07 Post #28 |
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Spoiler: click to toggle I read the whole big chunk that i missed out on when i was away, and let me just tell you that because of that, i'll be doing a general review and not a full step by step one. Sorry But i'm gonna be chased off the computer soon, so. Yea. Sorry! ![]() Basically, im reviewing chapters four to thirteen. Took me some time to read through them, 'specially since i was reading every singe detail. Too interesting to skip - you might miss out on something ![]() Im starting to really like Ever. She looks at the world from a most interestingly pleasent point of view! The way she opens up the world as she sees it to the reader is something new. Not only because, well, i have never thought about it like this before, but its also the WAY you write it and incoperate HER world into THE world. It was like i was put on the Ever ride and now, we're whizzing through her life, i can SEE what happens, i can sense her fear, her upset, her emotions. The power of it is such that i even feel that. Thats what makes a great writer! And the whole story wasnt just sad, or just funny, or just upsetting, it was a mix of all of that, and thats what made it special! There was no, say, genre(if you can call it that) because it was too real. Real life has no fixed feeling. Its not sad, or happy, or exciting or enjoyable or upsetting ONLY. Its a mix of everything all at once! Thats what makes it REAL. Thats what brought your story alive. Truely, i enjoyed every bit of it, and i dont think that i have anything to critique, so im just going to tell you what i thought about it. ![]() One thing that STOOD OUT for me, was how Ever described the colours in HER OWN WAY. Everything is in Ever's own way. Thats how you brought her alive. The way she felt about the colors, how beautiful, or plain, or rich, or amazing they were, was all conveyed to me through this story. How she, um, lets say, tried to use colors to calm herself and even in the most deadly situations, was both stupid and hilarious and beautiful and breathtaking. The way you made the colours come to life was awesome, unbelievibly awesome. I was just like - woah. Who ever knew that colours could be so amazing? ohhahahaha i just spotted a very bad accidental pun ![]() The whole story drawed me in very well, but there are lots of things i still dont understand. Nevertheless, its things that im not supposed to understand, till i read more. hinthint, cow, hinthint. The whole thing was really good, and i enjoyed it lots. The only thing right now that is stopping me from telling you to get this published, is you should prolly not use prolly. but because this is a BW piece, its alright. I really want to know what happens in between Tiffin and Lime. Im going to stick to calling her that. And i thought that fael was bad? Then why did lime lead her to him. Or maybe she didnt. I dunno. Im a bit mixed up. The last bit, though, was really good. I could feel Ever's sadness, confusion, exhaustion and other things you didnt really describe but come in a pack all coming out at me all at once. I REALLY like Ever. And her view on fairy tales. Yea, shes gonna be proven wrong about quite alot of things, no? Her "Aunt", too. Mysteryness! Gasp!Yes, i want more. SO im going to sit in that chair, there, and, well, wait. This story really got something going!~ Great work and, well, since when has your work NOT been great?
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| Warrior Poet | Thursday, 16. December 2010, 04:11 Post #29 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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So at the end of 13, Ever's still obsessing over colors. While she's being knocked out. It's pretty awesome. Sorry I didn't comment yesterday. Homework and all that. Er, ten? I sure hope she's exaggerating Cold, hm. I'm having trouble seeing what's real too - but you did it on purpose, didn't you, and you did it well.You use veritably a lot. I need to actually find out what it means..."Being truly so called; being real or genuine." I genuinely float to the front of the house? I guess that's not really what I was expecting it to mean, but it works. You're always making me learn new words. New words are fun. Limester and Tiffany have similar voices? I'm not sure what that means, considering their apparent difference in gender (unless I've got the whole biology thing screwed up). But I think it's a hint. So do you know how to drive? I might have my temps now, but the class filled up. But my driving classes coincide with my 16th birthday, so I'm hoping. I never did like screaming tea. Heh, as tilted as Ever's mind is, she doesn't seem to imagine things. Er, Limester appearing instantly kind of confirmed my suspicion, but it was the last thing I was expecting. Curious George riding a dragon shouting something about man points would have been more predictable. That was really, really good. Er, I misread that line. She didn't actually appear. Heh... How many man points would you say George has, anyway? And then he decided to do the "safe room" thing. Hurrah. This is even more thr3e than I said it was. Actually, it's suspiciously similar. Mom's telling me to get off. This heart to heart with Ever and her imaginary friend is pretty touching. The details, what they were actually doing during the conversation, where actually pretty rough. The "I took his hands" was pretty vague and I don't know whether she held on or not. I also don't know if she ever stopped crying. It's a tough scene to write though, and I respect that totally. Mmh, believing in things doesn't make them real, but if you're insane they may still kill you. So if Ever really is imagining it, she's imagining caroline, because Caroline can see Tiffany, which would make no sense because her mom brought her to Caroline, and there's no way her mom's not real since mom existed before Ever. Unless Ever is actually just a brain in a box. Or she's not imagining it. What a confusing web you weave... He said brelly, too. I'm starting to make that connection that maybe they all use the same words as her because they get all their words from her. Old ladies cackle, not giggle. At least not in my experience. Aaand fifteen. Openness. I love how this whole thing is fairly serious but still written like a BW meme. Haha, my sibs get really hyper the instant Dew touches their lips. I'm convinced that it's totally and utterly psychological. I laughed really hard at Poly and her feather duster. Who uses those? Poly. Awesome. Everything about her response was awesome. It really adds more dimension to her character, even though it's hilarious. Telling stories and adventures. You sure know the hyper teenager thing, though. And everyone knows you're twice as hyper when you're with a hyper date. Ah, it's not insanity. It's possession! That makes sense to some level. I smell an infodump. I can see Ever just standing there and nodding to all this, though. Red Cliff, anyone? The general started an entire war over this pretty girl who served him tea once. Describe the weapon once the adrenaline is gone. Ever obsesses over this stuff. Like you said to me, let me get worried about it. The alternating seriousness and comedy is great. There's nothing in between the dialogue though, which is very strange for Ever. THE PIGEON was pretty funny, but the whole scene seemed off because the entire page was dialogue. Well, an imaginary pigeon could be killed with an imaginary gun. I guess. Hrmm. If this whole incarnation thing works, then I sure hope she's not his former wife. And the whole new body thing...they get a corpse? From what I've pieced together so far, they inhabit her "body" - specifically her brain. Since they're part of her brain, they have the power to kill her and all. But I'm horribly wrong, aren't I? Mmmh, nihilism. It's an attractive idea and a horrifying one at the same time. But that's what fantasy is for! I think that's her own bipolar talking ![]() I don't even know where they went! But they were walking, and there was pavement. I guess it doesn't actually matter, but it would've been nice to know. Mmm, bacon. I noticed a similarity between Tiffany and Fael right away, too. I'd guess they're brothers. I might be wrong about that. So getting into the meat and potatoes of a story means you can romanticize less. I'm really interested with where's the plot going. Your infodump wasn't huge, but it was there, and it could use some cushioning. Needs some work, but it's NaNo! Of course it needs work! Mine sure does. Can't wait for tomorrow, then. |
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| Warrior Poet | Friday, 17. December 2010, 19:52 Post #30 |
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If you lead me, I will go.
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Well, I read it! Just letting you know there. I'm at school and I'be been done with my school thing for a while. But my review may randomly be cut off at any point. There were no grammar/consistiency erorrs. Except the consistiency errors you make on purpose, of course. Are you going to really explain that, or just leave Ever hopelessly confused/dead in the end? Things are pretty interesting. But where does Ever get any food or all that without Caroline? I'm also wondering why it's such a big deal to Dad that she's living near the woods. Really, that's not a big deal. And what can Ever do for her dad anyway? "The days that followed" didn't make much sense though. Whatever happened to her dad? Did he just go home? I l also like the tension you're putting in between Ever and Limester/Tiffany. I get that Ever gets sick of it pretty quick, and you did a really good job making her annoyed. I also love how this story never gets too serious. I have no idea what the messsage or whatever is supposed to be, if there is one, but right now it's just a load of fun. I really would like to know what's going on with who can see/why/want to? How can Dad want to hear Faelan if he doesn't know he exists? Gotta go to next class. Seeya
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But it was beautiful.
Sadness. 


This narrator's a strange girl. But what would I expect from a fairy tale fanatic's girl...



2:13 PM Jul 11